How ADHD Impacts Relationships
Living with ADHD is hard. I’m messy, forgetful, and I’m always losing things. I’m sensitive, impulsive, and moody. I remember everyone’s birthday, but only when it’s too late to send a gift. I stay up too late hyperfocused on a project, then oversleep because I forgot to set my alarm. I forget to eat all day, then get ravenous and hangry, usually taking it out on my partner. Loving someone with ADHD is hard, too. Whether you have ADHD or love someone who does, relationships can be a challenge.
The One with ADHD
People with ADHD face unique challenges in relationships, friendships, and family dynamics from childhood and throughout adulthood. Many of us felt we were not meeting our expectations in childhood. Late homework assignments, unfinished chores, and difficulty regulating emotions. This feeling carries on into adulthood, especially when we get into serious relationships. A lot of us try to mask our ADHD from romantic prospects until we can’t anymore. When the mask comes off, we’re left feeling like that struggling kid all over again.
You quickly begin to see your partner as an authority figure, nagging you to clean up and being disappointed when you forget things. You become hypervigilant, afraid to disappoint them, but still can’t always get it right, leading to a cycle of shame that can greatly impact your self-esteem, and in turn, the relationship as a whole.
ADHD from a Partner’s Perspective
The relationship started out exciting and intense. Your partner was hyperfocused on you, planning spontaneous dates and adventurous outings. They might have even come over and cleaned your whole apartment for you. They sent long, thoughtful texts throughout the day. Then, they forget your dinner plans for the first time. Soon, you notice them zoning out while you’re talking to them. They start to leave dishes in the sink or their shoes in the middle of the entryway. You start to feel lonely, unimportant, and unheard.
But, it’s not that they stopped caring. In fact, they probably care deeply, and they probably also hate the way their ADHD is showing up in your relationship. What this is is their mask coming off, which means they deeply trust you.
This doesn’t change the fact that it’s frustrating for both of you, but understanding how ADHD affects relationships is the first step to making it work.
Making it work
Plenty of couples where one partner has ADHD have happy and fulfilling relationships, and it likely took effort and understanding to get there. Here are some tips I can offer as an ADHD therapist and a person living with ADHD.
For the partner with ADHD:
Recognize that your ADHD symptoms are impacting the relationship. Remember that just like you get frustrated with your symptoms, your partner might, too.
If you aren’t already, consider getting treatment for your ADHD. This can be in the form of therapy or coaching, medication, or a combination of these. Learning to manage your symptoms will benefit you and your relationship.
Set yourself and your partner up for success by finding sustainable ways to show your partner that you care. Whether it's setting reminders to check in emotionally, planning intentional time together, or simply being present when needed, showing your commitment to the relationship is vital. You may need to try harder than people without ADHD, but it can go a long way toward making your partner feel valued.
For the partner without ADHD:
Remember that your partner’s symptoms frustrate them just as much, if not more than you. ADHD is not laziness, carelessness, or a choice. It is a chronic condition that greatly affects one’s ability to manage time and emotions, stay focused, and much more. Try to approach these situations with empathy.
Try to offer support instead of criticism. Instead of asking, “Why can’t you just remember to clean up?” try asking, “What can I do to help you remember to do your half of the chores?” Help enact systems to help your partner stay on track. This extra effort will reinforce the idea that you are on the same team, and are working toward the same goal.
Be clear in your communication. People with ADHD sometimes have trouble reading between the lines. Setting clear boundaries and expectations helps avoid any misunderstandings. Speak to them directly and avoid vague language or indirect cues.
Final Thoughts
ADHD can be tricky in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. If you and your partner are willing to be open, patient, and understanding, you can navigate these challenges together. If you’re finding things especially tough, therapy can be a great resource for both of you to find ways to better support each other.
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If you live in Pennsylvania and are interested in engaging in therapy for ADHD, whether for an individual or a couple, I would be happy to support you. Feel free to send me an email at cassidy@keystonearttherapy.com or give me a call at 267-507-1692.
